Ground Rules for Couples Therapy PDF

by Caroline E. Sakai, PhD
  • Start with being centered and grounded (use TFT side of hand (karate) point, collarbone breathing if needed)
  • Hold in your heart the attitude of gratitude
  • Use “I” language
  • Avoid blaming
  • Avoid fault-finding or excuses or justifying your own contributing actions
  • Keep to facts—avoid assuming
  • Use active listening
  • Assertively speak in ways that make it easier for your partner to hear
  • If emotions are rising high, take time-outs
  • Work on calming down so you can think and see things more objectively
  • Take responsibility to get back to the discussion as soon as you can
  • Be aware that your partner may have distress also
  • If partner needs more time, wait patiently
  • Your partner needs to restart discussion as the ball is now in your partner’s court
  • If emotions rise up again when you restart discussions, continue the time-outs and calming down process
  • Practice your TFT for anger, frustration, rage, hurt, anxiety etc. as appropriate
  • Work out your distress with running, walking, pushups, etc. to discharge the tension safely
  • Take responsibility for your contribution to the problems
  • Assume responsibility for what you contributed without nagging, or excuses, or blaming
  • Genuinely apologize when indicated
  • Work on what you can do to make amends, to make restitution where appropriate
  • Avoid obsessing about the problems
  • Practice obsessive TFT algorithm protocols, and shift to positive action steps
  • Avoid ruminating, building up your anger and resentment, and keeping yourself stuck on poor me pity pot
  • Avoid nagging, harping, going over the past like a broken record which no one likes to hear on and on
  • Take responsibility that obsessing about the problem does nothing to solve the problem
  • Obsessing contributes to your own increasing anger, resentment, rage, feeling sorry for yourself
  • Obsessing turns the other off to feeling blamed constantly which puts them in a defensive posture, rather than inviting and encouraging joining together to resolve the problems
  • Move forward to finding solutions that could/would be helpful
  • Share what you yourself are willing to do to improve the situation
  • Ask for what you need/want to develop solutions
  • Avoid assuming that your partner should know
  • Ask positively and assertively for specifically what you would need/want—accept if partner is not willing or ready to help at this time
  • Avoid being controlling or demanding in your expectations
  • Respect your partner’s feelings, rights, and emotions in the moment
  • Find out what your partner needs to be able to work on what you would
    like/need
  • Express sincerely what you could do to help your partner as requested
  • If unable to at this time, state this without blaming, sarcasm or defensive criticism
  • Ask assertively and with respect and consideration for your partner what you would need to work on that behavior
  • Acknowledge and appreciate your partner’s efforts
  • Express with sincerity and conviction
  • Avoid sabotaging the acknowledgement with yes-buts or sarcasm or digs about past behaviors
  • Agree to disagree and figure out how you can accept and work with the disagreements when necessary